About

It goes like this… pay attention; you don’t want to miss it.  You, yeah you, stop being an idiot and listen.  I was young, real young, when I had a dream of being a professional hula-hooper.  Some idiot said if you put your mind to it you could be anything you want.  Tell that to the six-foot-five guy who wants to be a jockey, or a cat that wants to be a dog, or in my case, a guy with an irrational fear of circles who just wanted to be in the neighborhood hula-hoop tournament.  After several long seconds of trying to jump inside that scary round object… I gave up…

My mom, who always taught me never to quit, starting chasing me around with a frying pan – also a circle, but this circle was different.  This circle was dripping with beautiful, flavorful bacon grease.  My mom tried to pound me over the head for quitting, and tripping over the hula hoop, I managed to avoid the pan, but not the succulent grease that drizzled all over my taste buds.  That one glorious moment was all I needed.  All I needed to know… that I wanted to eat a lot of bacon…

The bacon turned into butter, then lard and then I just got fat.  Or was it sick?  I didn’t care; I got addicted to greasy food, so I did what anyone would have done and got a job at McDonalds, then KFC and finally Sneaker Barn.  Someone told me that lard is so yummy you could put it on a shoe and the shoe would taste great.  Well, I put it on the whole stockroom full of shoes.  And made it all the way up to the nine and a halves’ when it happened.  Just like that.  I got fired.  I was showed the door.  Maybe I should have shared a shoe or two, but then I would have never been fired.  I would never have walked out at that very moment… where my life changed forever…

I was an eyewitness to a guy eating popcorn who crashed into a girl walking a chicken.  Popcorn flew everywhere and the chicken started to eat it.  It was like cannibalism but not.  It was then I realized popcorn and chicken were like peanut butter and tires.  So from now on when you think two or three or four ingredients don’t deserve a chance to be eaten together… stop discriminating and let them sit on the bus as one.  Make your stomach a better place by trying the delicious combinations we have to offer.  And not in a boring, put a gun to your head way, but in a fun way to cook.

I guess I was suppose to tell you I went to Culinary School and cooked away at Emeril’s and all that junk, but who gives a Punk Ass Chef?  All you need to know is I am MacGyver meets Iron Chef and can save you a lot of money.  Hula Hoop not included.